Happy Birthday

I can still remember the last day we sat together, before you were gone for good. You were so animated and chatty, a very unusual things for you whenever I'm around. You were talking nonstop and you smiled all the time. Then, suddenly, you stopped talking. Your eyes were fixed to the road as I was driving and you said nothing. I was began to wonder what was exactly on your mind, but I did not asked. I wanted you to tell me without being asked to. But you kept on silent for a while.

"Thank you." You paused.

"For everything." You resumed.

I took a deep breath. I did not know what to answer. How could I possibly respond to that when the truth is I have never done anything for you?

I left your remark without a response. I thought, that was the best option. Of not saying anything. Let everything be unspoken. You always said, I am the best although I did not know which part were you referring to. But still, I am flattered, because I know you were not that good with compliments. What is more in handling them. So when you said something good, I trust it whole-heartedly.

Today is your birthday. How I wish I could celebrate it with you, thanking Allah for his endless blessing. You are a good man, I know. You have such a noble heart, loving and a very tender feeling to be taken care of. You are so sweet, in your own way. There are too many to describe. Those specialness in you that only certain people are lucky enough to get those from you. And I am so honored and thankful, because I am one of them. Thank you my happiness booster.

You are the best.

Happy birthday. 

Happy brthday.

Happy birthday.

xoxo.

You Were Gone

We used to laugh and make fun of each other. But most of the time, I did the talking and you were on the listening part. When I was talking like there will be no tomorrow , sometime your eyes were glittering and sparkling and wincing animatedly, looking right on my face. Sometime you pouted your lips, tried really hard not to laugh over my silly jokes but in the end, you ended up laughing hysterically with eyes still fixed upon me. Those small details about you I hardly noticed before this, now it seems all coming to my consciousness. I began to notice how you walk gracefully, every step counted. How you would carry your shoulder, broad and confident, but at the same time it offers comfort and safety. How you left your sleeves folded, your spectacles rims fell over your nose, and your soothing-looking eyes hidden safely behind those glasses. Looking at the world with a warm heart as if the world is doing the same thing to you.

You were so nice to me before and you still does. Your words comfort me. I soon came to realize how nice you were to me all the time. ALL THE TIME. You always listen to me, yes you did. You listen to everything I said as if it matters you the most. You give your utmost attention to everything I said and everything I did. You gave me your best, you tried everything you could possibly think of to make me feel needed and wanted. You are a great listener. You listen. Whole-heartedly.

I'm sorry I did not treat you well before. I neglected you. I hurt you over and over again. I am truly sorry. I can feel the pain now, it's haunting me. What is more, now you are gone, the feeling of loss and missing you is sometime unbearable. It's taunting my emotional stability. I have to admit that I miss you. I miss the moment we used to have together. I miss the routine of us smiling to each other, I miss the part where you annoyingly asked me numerous time to check on my health, how you would gently forced me to take my medication and stuffs, I miss the time where we would bump into each other, look at each other for a brief moment, nod and then walk with a big smile plastered on each other face. Oh my Allah. I miss that.

I miss you.

Be good, take care of yourself, take care of your faith and Imaan. Take care of everything. I will always pray for you. Be a good man.

Do remember me :)

Assalamualaikum 2013. Please Be Nice And Don't Bite

Assalamualaikum. In just a couple of hour we will be welcoming the new year and so long 2012. Just like that. Puff! Be gone. In short, 2012 has taught me a lot of things. Seriously. From tears to laughter, joy and pain, ups and downs in my everyday life, and sometimes miracles did their part too, in one way and another. I find it amusing and confusing at the same time. But thank to Allah, He never let me astray. Still in the same path and direction, searching for the real me.

Oh there are so many things happened in 2012. There are handful recollections of memories and good things to be remembered. To be yearned at cherished for a lifetime. Those new faces I got to know, shining my life to its ultimate bright. Oh Allah, I shouldn't asked for more. There are few who walked into my life for purpose. Be it to hurt or to care, they are all the same. To teach me some important value in my life, which seriously I'm going to treasure it for the rest of my life. Thank you people.

For this 2013, I will hope for less and work for more. I want to be a good wife, a good mom, a good daughter, a good teacher and of course a good servant of Allah. InsyaALLAH. Allah, please guide me. Don't let me go astray. Keep me safe and sane. ><,

Happy new year to all.  Be a good person, and Allah will be good to you in return.

Now I am ready. Okay 2013. Bring it on!

I Don't Understand You .

Assalamualaikum .

It comes to my understanding that there are things in our live that need not to be understood , but to be accepted . And although it might sound a little bit ridiculous but yes , there are people who just don't know how to appreciate other kindness without being cynical and all question .

It's just my nature . To care for people , to understand them , to choose to love them instead of ignoring them and let them sink in their insanity . And sometimes , I chose one or two to get my extra attention along the way . With the sole intention that somehow I can leave mark in their lives , hopefully a positive one . And this is not easy I must say . One has to consume the act of randomness cause by emotional changes of people as the major living creatures on Earth . A homo sapien full of contradict behavior and beliefs and it's funny though how could a single thought of people upon your acts , words or behaviors affects your life so deeply , you just wanted to end it once and for all .

People's feeling is complicated .

Sometime you think you understand them where the truth is you don't know a shit about them . At all .

Oh Allah , whatever it is . I believe you choose the best for me . Amin!

Pillow Talk

Assalamualaikum , We had a great chat just now . At 1 in the morning . We were all so serious and stressed up . Not because we were fighting over stupid things like always , but it was more to a pour out session . I was actually pouring my burden to you . And you , like what you always did everytime I need you , you lend me your shoulders , your ears , your anticipation , your patience , and your two cents of thought . I love to hear your advise , your words , your cynical remarks over my stupidity , your cunning words and acts . And above all , I just love to sit and be there with you . I don't need any other excuses to be with you . I just love the feeling to be wanted and needed by you . And most of the times we were just killing time by talking nonsense and picking on each other .

You always taught me new things . And I am all noob and naive around you . You are good with words . You just know the perfect timing when to use it as your lethal ammo . As much as I hate it when you do that , I am pretty much adore it at times . You always fascinate me , although you always say that you are a walking boredom . Nope . Not for me . You are one of the most fascinating home-sapien I have ever met in my life .

I love this pillow talk session we have . It's like a ritual before we both hit the sack .

I love it , you know .

So let's do it more frequent . Until we run out of time .

><, Thank you , HB !

2012

Pretty women are everywhere. The only thing that will make you out stands them is a pretty soul. Beauty is only skin deep. ^____^ Happy 2012 everyone. Starts your new year resolutions with blessing from Allah The Almighty.

Friends

I miss the moment where I can talk about anything under the sun with my best friends. I miss the moment where we can hang out together and spend the rest of our day worrying about nothing. Like we used to do when we were teenager. Like we used to do every time school days end. Hey, we didn't bother much about the world right? We have the world of our own. All that matters to me is you, and all that matters to you is me. I miss that.

As we are growing up, we skipped some rituals in our friendship. Less meeting up, less texting until late up night. I guess we moved on with our live. We met with new peeps, building up new relationship and get too busy with work and so forth. We are no longer the coolest person in each other life. In these five years, how many times do we call each other?

Right. None.

I'm not ready yet to let go of my teenage memories with you.

Do you?

My Boyfriend Is Married To Someone Else

A friend of mine is now having a wreck – time with her boyfriend. They are not just having a cat – fight. I mean, it’s big! It’s really big. Her boyfriend happened to be married with some other girl, and yes she had it coming. It’s all under her knowledge. She knew her boyfriend is going to marry someone else and she’s cool with it. Well, not entirely cool. There are times when she’s totally out of control. Cursing, yelling, and throwing things and all. But then, she will come back to him, sobbing apologetically. I would love to call it, LOVE. But instead, I call it RELIANCE.

How would you feel, as the date gets closer, seeing your loved ones preparing for his / her big day? How would you react, knowing that somehow she / he will passionately hug someone, or even kiss someone or do any other things with someone else? I’ll definitely go crazy, if you ask me. But then again, she wasn’t. She was playing cool all the time. She laughed, she cheered, and she even attended her friend’s wedding with a beaming and lighten up face, although in the other side of the world, her boyfriend was being congratulated ceremoniously

I honestly do not understand her, as a friend. I thought she will be leaving that guy for good. Instead, they are going to discuss about their wedding this coming weekend. The idea of polygamy has now arisen. I adore her for her acceptance (or stupidity I must say?) for her absolute forgiveness, for her tremendous effort to wipe out the hurt and heal the deep cut and still fall for the guy who have once betray her love and affection.

As a friend, I do support her. Although honestly I know, it’s only a waste of time. But she said it is worth of trying than doing nothing. After all, she said, love is a gamble.

Chiao!

Good Friends.

We are definitely going to need them in our lives. Not only to entertain us and be part of our social development, friends also the peoples that will shape you and support you and guide you and things.

I don't have many friends.

She has sworn by her mother's life that she will be fat with me. Never leave me alone.

(Smiling)

I had Enough

When someone is trying to be you direct opposition, somehow you will feel threatened. Not only because he / she is now becoming the major attention of your stress, but she / he will slowly make your self – esteem receding. So you have to be extra cautious. Never let someone like this brings you down. You are your own strength.

I faced this kind of situation quite so many times in my life. When peoples are trying to be your only obstacle. The fact that they can’t handle the overwhelming aura you bring will only make them hurt you even more. They will try to slow you down, they will make thing hard on you, they will demolishing your effort, and they will do anything. Just to make sure, you are vulnerable enough to their emotional tortures that in the end will make you go nuts.

There’s nothing you can do but to fight back. Not with physical strength but you can always win by outsmarting them. Do not give them any single loop that can be their weapon to crush you. What I did was, I never give them a chance to finger – point at me. I did my work excellently, on time and efficiently. I always one step ahead of everyone. And it did work.

You should try this once in a while. Enough of being shut off.

Man. Read This.

Cold Hearted. But You Are Not Edward Cullen. NO!

I wish I have super power to stop you from being mean to everyone. Seriously I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe you hit your head too hard on something and it's caused you a mental damage.

Sometimes, I pity on you. I know you have a hard life. I know you are lonely and that's why you want everybody to feel your loneliness and emptiness deep down inside your soul. I know you are suffering inside. But that doesn't mean you have to be hard on people around you. That will only makes thing harder.

I never thought, people like you could have done something despicable like that.

But I'm totally wrong.

I think, you have an issue with yourself. Or maybe, you have an unhappy life during your childhood.

That's why you turned out like this.

Like a total wrecked-soul.

A monster.

My Dream Nest

Well. I do want to have my own house. I always dream of having a pink house which obviously a huge contradiction with darling husband. It doesn't have to be huge, as long as it can offer comfort to me, darling husband and most importantly to my kid(s) that should be okay.

Seeing friends investing on their own house make my heart stirs a little. With jealousy. I want to have that excitement too. Of choosing furniture, wallpapers,  paint colors and everything. But not now.

I want to spent my life living with Emak and Abah. Forever. 

I want to be their baby daughter forever. I want to be their pain-in-the ass forever. I want to be their annoyance forever.

I want to see you guys everyday. EVERYDAY.

I don't want to get away.

October.

Yes. I have grown up. Or at least that is what I think I am. No? I have been a teacher for almost four years now. It's more like a 'four - torturing' year. Teaching is not easy. To deal with peoples in the teaching profession is not easy either. It's the survival of the fittest. Jungle rules. Tribes. Oh you have to choose your tribe properly. You can't be alone. Yo can't stand of being ALONE. You must have someone. Or at least someone that you can share your dirty plan with. Someone to be  your black sheep? No?

Darling husband has been kind enough for me all this while. He was listening wholeheartedly to my every ramblings and cursing and yelling and oh almost everything. And I know he will always do. He has fought for me too. He was the one who personally fight for me when I was abused a year ago. No, not physically abused. But more to emotionally abused. My rights has been denied. Oh I don't want to think about it anymore. It hurts. To this very day. It wasn't easy when someone you trust wrecked you like that. And you have to spare your every single day looking at her / his face remembering every single thing she / he had done to you. And you smile to him / her like nothing happen. It feels like shit.

It happened on October last year.

I can still remember the very first time I was left alone with no one with me. With nothing to do. I have no class to teach. No student to tend to. I have nothing. I was nothing. You think it was easy for me?I cried my heart out.

Luckily I have friends to make my day. And thanks to them. Now I can stand back on my feet. But to forget? It's a big NO.

Please bear with that sir / ma'am.

Firman Allah SWT maksudnya:

"Dan orang-orang yang menyakiti orang-orang mukmin dan mukminah tanpa kesalahan yang mereka perbuat, maka sesungguhnya mereka telah memikul kebohongan dan dosa yang nyata". (al Ahzab 58)

Dari Abu Hurairah ra, Nabi saw bersabda:

"Siapa yang merasa pernah berbuat aniaya kepada saudaranya, sama ada berupa kehormatan badan atau harta atau lain-lainnya, hendaknya segera meminta halal (maaf) dari orang itu, sebelum datang suatu hari yang tiada harta dan dinar atau dirham, jika dia punya amal saleh, maka akan diambil menurut penganiayaannya, dan jika tidak mempunyai hasanah (kebaikan), maka diambilkan dari kejahatan orang yang dianiaya itu untuk ditanggungkan kepadanya." (H.R. Bukhari-Muslim)

Chill.

On Hiatus

It has been three months since my last post. (I should have update my blog frequently, I promise that!) I have tonnes to blurt out but every time I want to write about it, I just can't find the right words to start it all.

My life has been great so far. With classes and everything and darling son is just so amazing. I learn new thing from him  almost everyday. Patience, most of all. Well, patience now is kinda a big issue in family. I have to put up with lotsa things. But I know, I can endure this. I am the super woman, remember? HA-DI-HA.

School errrr well, there's nothing spectacular happens in school. Gossips. Oh yes. There are few gossips lingering in school. But they are too despicable to be discussed, especially here. In my noble blog. But I will spill some, later on. HAHA.

Okay. This is more like a 'warming up' post. HAHA!

Icarus

Can you spot the fallen ambitious boy?

Icarus,

you should learn your lesson well.

Father told you not to fly too close to the sun. It will melt you wings.

Icarus,

but you are too stubborn.

You were not listening to your father advice.

And now look what happened to you.

Oh my dear, Icarus.

I Am Pretty, Aite?

Fat.

Yeah. There are so many places that need something to be done with. I can no longer tame my appetite. It’s gone wild and it scares me too. My clock is ticking by stuffing my mouth full. Picture this; as soon as my eyes are open then there goes the eating regime. Unhealthy food I must say. A late night McD chicken set is something unbearable. Worst, if you icing it with strawberry sundae + oreo Mcflurry almost every night.

My husband is very cool on this. He said I’m at my best looking like this. Excuse me, a pregnant lady who isn’t pregnant at all? And you call this pretty? God, men are weird. Most of them are flaunting themselves to death if they have skinny girlfriend and super-skinny-wife-who-have-just-gave-birth without extra fats clinging on their muscles but my husband. Because his wife is ain’t like that.

I pity my husband. I know he just don’t wanna make me feel hurt. But it hurts, when deep down inside, you know that somehow, he wants to see you like before. Slim and slender. Pretty and drop dead gorgeous.

But after all, I'm thankful.


Really God, I promise!

How Will I Survive

This question keeps on popping in my head for quite sometimes which to be frank, I don't know the answer. I would probably say that I'm not going to make it. It sounds lame, but I think that's the truth so far. I can't even stand the madness overwhelming this noble profession nowadays. Noble profession, aey?

It WAS a noble profession. And it's not anymore.

Paranoid.

You are paranoid woman!

Man, If You Have The Power Then Don't Misuse It. You Might Be Questioned.

Yaeh, it's a freaking long title. But who care actually? As long as the message is conveyed then it's fine.