Happy Birthday

I can still remember the last day we sat together, before you were gone for good. You were so animated and chatty, a very unusual things for you whenever I'm around. You were talking nonstop and you smiled all the time. Then, suddenly, you stopped talking. Your eyes were fixed to the road as I was driving and you said nothing. I was began to wonder what was exactly on your mind, but I did not asked. I wanted you to tell me without being asked to. But you kept on silent for a while.

"Thank you." You paused.

"For everything." You resumed.

I took a deep breath. I did not know what to answer. How could I possibly respond to that when the truth is I have never done anything for you?

I left your remark without a response. I thought, that was the best option. Of not saying anything. Let everything be unspoken. You always said, I am the best although I did not know which part were you referring to. But still, I am flattered, because I know you were not that good with compliments. What is more in handling them. So when you said something good, I trust it whole-heartedly.

Today is your birthday. How I wish I could celebrate it with you, thanking Allah for his endless blessing. You are a good man, I know. You have such a noble heart, loving and a very tender feeling to be taken care of. You are so sweet, in your own way. There are too many to describe. Those specialness in you that only certain people are lucky enough to get those from you. And I am so honored and thankful, because I am one of them. Thank you my happiness booster.

You are the best.

Happy birthday. 

Happy brthday.

Happy birthday.

xoxo.

You Were Gone

We used to laugh and make fun of each other. But most of the time, I did the talking and you were on the listening part. When I was talking like there will be no tomorrow , sometime your eyes were glittering and sparkling and wincing animatedly, looking right on my face. Sometime you pouted your lips, tried really hard not to laugh over my silly jokes but in the end, you ended up laughing hysterically with eyes still fixed upon me. Those small details about you I hardly noticed before this, now it seems all coming to my consciousness. I began to notice how you walk gracefully, every step counted. How you would carry your shoulder, broad and confident, but at the same time it offers comfort and safety. How you left your sleeves folded, your spectacles rims fell over your nose, and your soothing-looking eyes hidden safely behind those glasses. Looking at the world with a warm heart as if the world is doing the same thing to you.

You were so nice to me before and you still does. Your words comfort me. I soon came to realize how nice you were to me all the time. ALL THE TIME. You always listen to me, yes you did. You listen to everything I said as if it matters you the most. You give your utmost attention to everything I said and everything I did. You gave me your best, you tried everything you could possibly think of to make me feel needed and wanted. You are a great listener. You listen. Whole-heartedly.

I'm sorry I did not treat you well before. I neglected you. I hurt you over and over again. I am truly sorry. I can feel the pain now, it's haunting me. What is more, now you are gone, the feeling of loss and missing you is sometime unbearable. It's taunting my emotional stability. I have to admit that I miss you. I miss the moment we used to have together. I miss the routine of us smiling to each other, I miss the part where you annoyingly asked me numerous time to check on my health, how you would gently forced me to take my medication and stuffs, I miss the time where we would bump into each other, look at each other for a brief moment, nod and then walk with a big smile plastered on each other face. Oh my Allah. I miss that.

I miss you.

Be good, take care of yourself, take care of your faith and Imaan. Take care of everything. I will always pray for you. Be a good man.

Do remember me :)

I Don't Understand You .

Assalamualaikum .

It comes to my understanding that there are things in our live that need not to be understood , but to be accepted . And although it might sound a little bit ridiculous but yes , there are people who just don't know how to appreciate other kindness without being cynical and all question .

It's just my nature . To care for people , to understand them , to choose to love them instead of ignoring them and let them sink in their insanity . And sometimes , I chose one or two to get my extra attention along the way . With the sole intention that somehow I can leave mark in their lives , hopefully a positive one . And this is not easy I must say . One has to consume the act of randomness cause by emotional changes of people as the major living creatures on Earth . A homo sapien full of contradict behavior and beliefs and it's funny though how could a single thought of people upon your acts , words or behaviors affects your life so deeply , you just wanted to end it once and for all .

People's feeling is complicated .

Sometime you think you understand them where the truth is you don't know a shit about them . At all .

Oh Allah , whatever it is . I believe you choose the best for me . Amin!

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry- for the ignorance
I’m sorry-for the coldhearted
I’m sorry-for the denial
I’m sorry-for the disappearance
I’m sorry-for the misbehaving
I’m sorry-for the missing piece
I’m sorry-for pseudo listening
I’m sorry-for the harsh words
I’m sorry-for the promises I could not fulfill
I’m sorry-for the wasted long journey
I’m sorry-for the shattered bottle of perfume
I’m sorry-for the lost parcel
I’m sorry-for the kinky acts
I’m sorry-for the deep old cuts
I’m sorry-for the hurt and wound
I’m so sorry-for everything that makes you upset but I’m still doing it purposely-
And above all-
I’m so sorry-for making you love me endlessly, for taking your heart-and I never give it back…

My Heart Is Missing A Beat

I was browsing through an old picture album when I came across this one picture that put me in a very deep thought. It was a picture of you and me. Sitting next to next. You were smiling but I am not.

You were smiling but I am not.

I was purposely not smiling because I don't have any reason to. You forced me to take a picture with you and that was it. I am not smiling.

Years passed and now, I am regretting every stupid second passed without realizing how immortal that feeling could be. The feeling of not finding the right reason to smile every time the memory of you crossed my mind.

I do miss you. There were couple of times where I think about you.

How could I forget the man who used to love me?

I know you could still feels me. Because I can feel it too.

Why Do I Have To Be So Mean?

Forgetting is one big issue. Believe it or not, whether you like it or not, human can't forget. I mean you can't easily forget things except you are suffering from senile symptoms. That one you can't help it - lah. You will definitely forget everything. But, purposely forgetting everything is a  big NO.

Past is a major distraction in moving on in your life. ALWAYS. Like a pain in the ass. It will not go forever and it will stay just the same. Dealing with your past times can somehow release you from your suffering.

How am I dealing with my past?

I get mean!

Perhaps I get even.

Fate

It's a bit hilarious when someone used to hate that 'someone' so much and now they end up with each other. Serves you right, huh?

I Bid Goodbye

It was a fine sunny day.

There he was standing amidst other things.

Handsome as ever.

Our eyes met. For more than 10 seconds or so. The seconds that were ample enough to register old memories from time before. And with that look, I knew, he knew.

But he looked away. Never looked at me again. My heart crushed. Not because he didn't look at me the way I wanted to be looked by him. But my heart crushed because he forgot that he used to look at me the way we wanted to look at each other.

It took more or less than 5 minutes altogether for me to erase all memories that we have been through together.

And with that,

I bid my farewell.

Bye bye black bird.

Bye Bye Black Bird

I have this habit of saying this phrase if anyone is leaving for good. I don't know why. When my friend took off to Illinois last year, I said the same thing to her "Bye bye black bird" Same goes if someone is getting married and settling for good me also will say the same phrase. Some of my friends are puzzled as they didn't know the exact meaning of the phrase. Me also have no idea why I'm saying it smoothly without hesitation. It's spontaneous.I guess, black bird has something to do with me in my life before this. Well today, I have someone leaving me again for good. I'm gonna miss him. My very true friend, indeed. And he is away now. Without me having a chance to pat him goodbye. Bye bye black bird.